that we can all be
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
Charles Bukowski - The Crunch
Life can really suck sometimes. Incredibly.
I feel that part of growing up is realizing that this is normal. That the dark times are part of life.
And to take full responsibility for ones suffering. To not blame everything on the failed upbringing by ones parents or the fuckedupness of society.
To realize that everyone goes through shit sometimes. How ignorant to think to be the only person miserable at any given moment? And how ignorant to not consider how benine the problems of a member of Western civilization seem compared to the mischiefs people from other parts of the world go through on a daily basis?
I don't have to worry about my significant other dying in a terror attack everytime she goes to church. I don't have to worry about having something to eat tomorrow.
I am priviliged.
And my privilege makes me blind.
Lately I've been moving around this world with a voice in the back of my mind telling me that everything is kind of fake. Companies abusing psychological knowledge to increase profits. (I have tea in my kitchen that is literally called "Lebensfreude", which translates to "enjoyment of life". No fucking tea in the world, by itself, can make you enjoy your life.) People thinking, doing, believing, assuming things others, societal norms or profit-hungry companies impose on them. People telling themselves all kinds of lies to avoid the otherwise inescapable cognitive dissonance created by the gap between internal self-image (ego) and reality.
There is a fitting quote from a latin poet, called Petronius
While I have loved this quote ever since I've read it and found it fitting in many social situations, only lately have I started to realize how well it describes my internal monologue. How I keep telling myself that achieving X or Y will make me happy. How I think buying Z will make me person W. How I sugarcoat things I really don't like about myself. How I fell for the ubiquitous fallacy of normal equals good.
I guess I just projected these things onto other people. Maybe not everyone is fake. Maybe it was just me.
I am now faced with the question of who I really am, and what I really want. It is tough and it will take time. But I have to try to find an answer.
I was sitting at the piano at my teachers house, when the door bell rang. The next student was about 5 minutes early. My teacher tells me to continue to play.
I was practising a new piece. My playing sounded horrible.
And so I get kind of nervous. I have to play, perform, a piece I completely suck at.
Then a thought struck me.
This simple, basic thought never struck me before. I want so many things. I want to be good at so many things.
The appearence of this simple idea felt liberating. This sentence came to me a few times since then, and each time it made me smile.
And so I am making this blog. Because I don't have to be perfect.
I am allowed to create something that sucks.